I like stuff because its got subtitles aka I am a tit.

Once when I was younger a friend of mines Aunt, who according to herself is a 'film buff'(when people refer to themselves as film buffs you pretty much know they are twats) suggested that I go see this Gérard Depardieu film 'The Closet'. It was a comedy and it dealt with gay rights etc and was really good because it was French. Thats what she said. Its good because its French. Anyway, I trusted her because you know I was a young eager film studying git and probably wanted to appear like I was smart and I probably thought going to foreign films made me look cool. So I went to it at the local film theatre that plays all the arty stuff....Rialto I believe it was called, and what I saw on the screen was essentially a really long episode of Friends, with hysterically unfunny (ha) obvious and boring comedy. You know that look in Empire Strikes Back when Yoda says 'You will be' to Luke inside that little hut thing and looks all pissed off and evil and shit. That was the expression on my face for pretty much the whole film. That was as close as I got to laughing. That expression. Anyway everybody seemed to think that film was great and I thought it was shit and I couldn't understand, so I kept asking people and their answer was always, 'but the french make cinema with so much more heart/flare/integrity/insert- whatever-you-want-here-if-you-say-this-sentence-for-real-but-prepare-to-look-like-a-cunt-in-the -process.
Anyway. This weekend I spent a lot of time watching movies, because well, I'm not drinking at the moment and I need something to distract myself. I watched, in order: The Orphanage, After Hours, Hansel and Gretal, and Alice doesn't live here anymore. (I have a bit of a Scorsese thing going at the moment because I am reading a book about him)
This really only has to do with the Orphanage.
Firstly lets get one thing straight. Del Toro did NOT direct this. He presented it. Its the same old trick they did with Tarantino and films like Killing Zoe and Dusk till Dawn. This is a trick instigated by Miramax films in the 90s (off the back of Tarantino) to make fucking idiots think they are watching the next Pans Labyrinth. If you thought Del Toro did, do me a favour and go die a bit.
Now I know your probably thinking 'Well here goes Greg on another hate the film everybody likes rant' and I can understand that. But let me clear this up, I don't hate this film. It looks pretty, and I wasn't bored. There is a but though. It was just another hack job of a ghost film. There was nothing particularly exciting about the script, or the acting and the direction wasn't earth shattering. If you wanna good ghost film get out 'The Devil backbone' (which actually is Del Toro) or if you wanna watch this film but can't be bothered with subtitles rent 'The Others'.
If you want to be different and not watch any of these just go to your local DVD shop and look for anything with a brownish monochromatic cover and Gothic or Times New Roman-ish font in the thriller section. Brown reminds us of old and old reminds us of ghosts!
Anyway, I'm not bagging the film too much, its worth a watch, but I don't think its as brillant or as scary as everybody makes out. I felt the need to have a rant about it now though because I went outside for a smoke earlier and one of my work colleagues asked what I watched. When I said I watched a few films including 'The Orphanage' they said. 'I love Del Toro films, I thought it was brilliant and Spanish cinema is great.'
I'd like to tell you that I tripped said person or something, but instead I smiled thru gritted teeth and came up here and bitched about it on this shitty blog.
Anyway if your interested, the best film I watched was 'Alice doesn't live here anymore', which is weird cause its a film about a single mother going on a journey to discover herself after her husband dies. Sounds boring, but wasn't over the top in anyway. The human relationships seemed really real and was a great slice of life bit of cinema. If this film was made now (and not by Scorsese) it would be a fucking train wreck of monumental proportions and have Jennifer Assfaceton in it. Is it me or has she completely cornered the market on being shit in nearly every way? Anyway it would have turned out like this.

I have to say next was 'After Hours' which is another Scorsese film, this time a comedy. Anyway its quite surreal and has a really good picture on the wall of a shark eating a mans cock in one scene. I think that alone makes it a good movie.
The Korean film 'Hansel and Gretal' was better than the Orphanage. It got a little long towards the end, but it was shot beautifully, and for the first half was creepy as fuck. It got a little over sentimental, but I think the acting and uneasiness for the first half overshadowed that.
I didn't love it, but again it was well worth a watch. Plus you'll seem like you're smart cause its got subtitles.

A joke
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are walking through the forest when they come across a young boy tied to a tree.
The Catholic priest says: 'Shall we screw him?"
The Rabbi says: "Out of what?"