Tuesday 12 August 2008

Fake Fist Dinosaur Punch

Is a movie I saw the other day that was made in the 70s. Its about a hired gun who can time travel. (I dunno who this guy was but he looked like a skinnier Steven Seagal without the ponytail and was obviously an American putting on an English accent really badly) He is originally from England and is a soldier in WW1. He was fighting in the trenches when a freak lightning bolt caused by scientific experiments the Germans were doing with a weather weapon, hit him in the Lee Enfield (thats the standard bolt action rifle of an infantryman during the war) and not only caused him to zap into the future, but also gave him the ability to control where he is in space and time. As a weird side effect it made him the best lover in the universe and he scores heaps of futuristic poontang. (I kid you not, its weirdly 70s softcore!) When he arrives in the future(1996) he realises that the world has been overrun by genetically and robotically enhanced super dinosaurs. In the future he also meets a wise old futuristic kung fu cowboy played by David Carradine. He finds out from him that there was a 'World war 2' after he left. In this second world war, Adolf Hitler did experiments with robotic dinosaurs and used them to win the war. He soon lost control of them though and the robotic dinosaurs began mating with crocodiles and other forms of reptiles, forming a race of super robot dinosaurs which now inhabit the earth. The Cowboy kung fu master teaches our hero how to kill these monsters (and he also modifies his lee enfield into a bolt action super rifle) and in an effort to save the world from its roboty dinosaury fate, sends him back in time to this alternative WW2 to stop the dinosaurs before they can be created. He makes several failed attempts at this as the Germans base is so solidly guarded it is impossible to get to the creators of the robot dinosaurs. He nearly dies in the process several times. In one of the attempts he gets very close and sees someone he recognises amongst the German scientists, but cannot place the face.
As he makes more and more attempts on the German base, and flits around in time scoring chicks he is plagued with nightmares containing the German scientists face.
In a scene of eplosive emotional hard hitting explosiveness he realises that the German scientist is the very young soldier he was about to kill as he got hit by lightning. He realises that he can't affect anything from the point before he got hit by lightning and can't even travel back before said event and after testing out all his time traveling options soon finds out the young German is seemingly protected from him as well in anytime and anyplace. It is apparent that he has been given god like powers, but only his normal self, before the strike, has the ability to kill the young German at that exact point in time. So he has a choice. Travel back in time and move himself out of the way of the lightning, thus erasing his own time traveling future pimp-ness self but saving the future from a world plagued with dinosaurs, or fuck the rest of the world and go score chicks and time travel and shit. He chooses the later.
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I didn't actually see this, I just made it up. I wish I could travel in time so I could make this in the 70s.

6 comments:

brett said...

I wish you would just stop sitting round with your cock in your hand, pull your head out of the rubber dogshit and start filming Fake Fist Dinosaur Punch.
I got really excited. I have to see it now.
Make sure it has a few really boring bits, like I imagine The Final Countdown the movie does: Real slow and hard to see. Like a night scene where characters whisper discuss a lot of plot points in a drawn out dull way.
And make sure the robot dinosaurs are slow, like in Chopping Mall.

If you want.
The poster on wikipedia for The Final Countdown is awesome.
Having said that, Chopping Malls is pretty sweet too.

Lyndall-O said...

what were you in the 70's like 25?

HA!

(I'm hilarious)

Also, the previous post lacks "foot in ass" hot-cusses.

I'm still drunk and obnoxious :(

Lyndall-O said...

also I'd like to be in the movie please- I could play the part of "poontang". I could even make that shit "futuristic" with a bit of tin foil and some pipe cleaners.

Greg said...

I like the turn of phrase "pull your head out of your rubber dogshit" Brett.
You can't be in the film Lyndall. I don't think as a teenager you'd have the acting chops necessary to make the role your own.

Lyndall-O said...

ouch.

Greg said...

you started it!